Tuesday, October 18, 2011

R.E.S.P.E.C.T


R.E.S.P.E.C.T  Let Me Tell You What that Means to Me!

In 1967 Aretha Franklin felt the need to let the world know what RESPECT meant to her and now over 44 years later, I feel the need to do the same and to give examples of what disrespect looks like.   About six years ago, I dated this fine hunk of a man, 5’11 nearly 200 pound BMI of less than 7% and oh did I mention he was an NFL Player?  We had been dating for a couple of months but we had not made a formal commitment nevertheless we both had expressed interest in one another and spent a great deal of time together; so I will refer to him as my “friendboy”.  On one creepy Halloween night, my girlfriends and I decided to dress up in our costumes and go out on the town for the night. We all step out diva style! I knew my friendboy was going out but had no idea where.  In San Diego, there are a lot of places for entertainment but only two or three “hot spots”.  So to my friendboy and I surprise we ended up at the same spot.  I noticed him and he noticed me too but he did not say anything, pretending as if he did not know me.  Shortly after that, I saw him pushing up on some girl real hard. He knew that I saw him and he had absolute no shame in his game.  Refusing to silence myself to his disrespect, I walked up to him immediately and I said to him are you going to just act like we are not seeing each other?  His response was like I didn’t say anything at all.  

When I got home, I politely put all his belongings to the left of my porch and before sunrise I heard a bang at my door.  Repeatedly he said “Jill, open up, I am sorry.”  He explained that he had too much to drink and that he knew he was wrong.  This went on for nearly an hour and finally after his pleading, I accepted his apology with the understanding that his behavior was totally unacceptable and would never happen again so I opened the door.  We continued dating and had a fun and excited relationship until distance parted us.  The point of the story is that because I stopped him in his tracks when he disrespected me I never EVER had a problem with him disrespecting me again.  Imagine if I did not say anything to this dude and acted as if nothing ever happened.  I would have undoubtedly been welcoming his disrespect and the chances of him being a repeat offender would have been great.  I want to encourage all the ladies today to NEVER, EVER silence yourself to disrespect and make it known that you have a ZERO tolerance for it.  But in order to do that, you have to be very clear what disrespect looks like and what it feels like. For the guys, I want to help you understand what disrespect is to a woman.  Disrespect is when a guy does not open the door for a lady (chivalry is not dead!  Only if we allow it to be.); when a guy lies to a lady; when a guy cheats on a lady; when a guy use harsh profanity around a lady, when a guy and lady are seeing one another and that guy chooses to leave a venue with another woman (even if he says she is just a friend); when a guy makes any unwelcoming physical gesture towards a lady (be it feeling a girl in school or in the club or a guy touching his girlfriend in a way she has asked him not to or when a guy hits or push a lady); when a guy threatens a lady; when a guy disrespects any women, it is a disrespect to all women.  There are many other forms of disrespect toward a woman.  Just because I haven’t listed it here does not mean it is okay. Guys if you would not appreciate some guy doing it to your sister, mother, or daughter then it is probably disrespectful.  

In the instance I mentioned above, the disrespect was very clear.  But it is not always that clear.  Ladies, when you are being disrespected; your inner alert will go off extremely loud.  Meaning you will experience extreme discomfort and you will have the urge to say something, do something and please do just that. Men are not mind readers and don't always know when we feel disrespected or just uncomfortable. Ladies, make sure you tactfully let the guy know when something makes you feel uncomfortable or disrespected.  Don't make the mistake of blaming him because oftentimes it is not his fault that you feel a certain kind of way.  So before running off and playing victim be sure to give him the opportunity to make adjustments to make you feel more comfortable.  If he does that shows he really cares and all other things being considered he likely is a keeper.  And sometimes we woman may be the ones that need to make the adjustment which is okay as long as we can live with our decision comfortable (without suppressing our feelings).  

Women trust your inner feeling and let your dude know what situation make you feel some kind of way and let him know you are not comfortable with it.  Depending on the situation some guys may come back and say you are being jealous or insecure.  And guys it may be some of that but usually pointing that out doesn't help the situation but rather if you see or feel your girl is being jealous or insecure try to be sensitive to that and appreciate the fact that she cares about you and the security of the relationship and have standards for herself. Guy, adjust the situation as much as possible so both of you are comfortable with it.  Ladies if the guy continues to execute you of being jealous and insecure dismiss that notion and let him know that adjustments have to be made.  Ladies  stand up for what is right and don't compromise your feelings.  But ladies at the same time lets not be petty and give our guys a hard time about normal daily routine or actions that are necessary to move him further along especially in the professional rim.

If your guy refuses to respond to your feeling after you shared with him how you feel rebel against his  disrespect and inconsiderate nature to treat you any kind of way. I encourage you to REBEL! REBEL! REBEL! Allowing yourself to be disrespected by a guy will bring you down to a low place and you will lose a sense of yourself worth.  You are worth so much more than to lower your standards and let a man treat you however he sees fits his agenda.  Leave that dude!  A mature man will come along soon enough who respects and understand your self-worth.  He will hold you in high regards love and cherish you for it.  Guys, being in a relationship requires you to be committed to acting in the best interest of the relationship over your own desires.  Respect is a foundation along with trust that a relationship is built on and I am sure all you guys would agree you cannot be with a woman you don’t respect or who allow you to treat her any kind of way.

Again remember never, ever, ever silence yourself to disrespect, be tactfully and offer solutions that will be comfortable for the both of you.  As for me, I did not tolerant disrespect in 2004 with that NFL Star and I was a broke, jobless recent graduate. But that did not matter because my self-worth was much more than what money could buy.  So in 2011 as independent minded and financial secure woman, I definitely will not tolerant it from any guy and you shouldn’t either (PERIOD DOT)!!!!!

Jill Bulluck
Detour Movement Inc.

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