Thursday, March 29, 2012

Establishing Boundaries

Over the last year, I have had the opportunity to talk to several guys from different ages and races. In our conversation; the comment arose that when women says “no”, especially as it relates to their willingness to engage in a sexual encounter, they really do not mean it.

And how about when guys tell us ladies “No I am not looking for a relationship or anything serious, I just want to have a good time”; as women sometimes we think that eventually we will convince him that you are the “One”; when he is not even looking for the “One”.

 I’m thinking what ever happened to the saying/rule “No means NO”? Ladies can I share a quick secret or should I say fact with you (guys you can thank me later) for the most part; guys don’t just fall in love, guys get to a place in life and realize that they do not want to spend the rest of their lives alone and that they desire a mate.

When they have this revelation; then and only then do they proceed in finding their mate. When men are ready to look or want to make themselves available, they will let us know. For scripture states “A man that findeth a wife or woman; findeth a good thing” – Proverbs 18:22. Women are wired completely differently.  

Women naturally have a higher “NEED” and I really mean need for emotional fulfillment. And oftentimes; women misinterpret attention or physical attraction as an emotional connection while guys see it as a sexual opportunity or “just having a good time”. This free interaction sometimes ends up going too far and we wonder how we allowed ourselves to be in a compromising situation once again. Guys oftentimes you find yourself with a (young) lady who is SPRING OUT on you aka demanding more time, attention and/or commitment. All these things you never intended from the beginning. The simple answer to resolve this issue is to avoid loose boundaries and establish boundaries that protect you from compromising yourself, trying to meet a long-term need of deep intimacy with a temporary fix, sex. Men naturally have a strong passion to fulfill their sexual desire (some like myself argue their “need”). And like women they have a need for a deep level of intimacy.

God gave us these needs, desires and passions so we can enjoy one another under the covenant of marriage prior to that time, it is in our best interest male and female alike to set boundaries until that time and seek God to fulfill our need for intimacy and glorify Him. Think of the door to your home. It serves to prohibit bad/unwanted things or people from coming in and at the same time allowing good/desirable things or people to come-in (Pastor Battle 2012). We have to have something like a door in our own lives to protect our spirituality, emotional sanity and sexual purity. Without that door or boundaries, anything can flow in and out of our lives. Some examples of boundaries are:

1.) Avoiding house dates or being alone during your courtship.

2.) Avoid passionate physical interaction like kissing and cuddling.

3.) Avoid movies and music with sexual content, oftentimes soft pornography.

4.) Limit how much you give of yourself. Don’t allow yourself to go into full and complete submission. Avoid thinking of that person so frequently (i.e a couple times a day) and replace those thoughts with prayer and scripture reading.

5.) Think about something or things that you can save for your life partner like even those three special words: I Love you (Jeanna Mayo) or even kissing on the mouth.

6.) Commit to be in love and dedicated to God’s will (the BIBLE) and choose this over your own desires.

7.) Choose to accept only things in your life that glorify God and avoid or expel any and everything that is not consistent with his Word.

If you are ever curious or concern if your relationship or decision is what God has for you, line it up with the Word of God and if it is not consistent with the Word, they you know “It is not God”. If it is consistent with God, continue to pray and wait for God to order your steps but when He orders your steps; be ready to move your feet.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Jill Bulluck,
Founder of Detour Movement Inc.

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