Sunday, July 13, 2014

Stop Believing the Lies! Top 10 Lies Women Believe!

I remember when I entered into my first "real relationship",  I had just recently entered into puberty. I really did not understand what was going on with my body. It was like one day I was wearing jean shorts below my knees with a t-shirt and the next day I was wearing  bright colored shorts barely below my booty cheeks and a tank-top.

 As soon as I started "dressing more like a girl" I started to get a lot of attention from guys, often much older guys.  As a young teenager, I attracted guys 8 to 10 years older than me.  I thought I could keep up with them because of my maturity level, but boy was I wrong!  It took some time but I started to realize it was the clothes that I was wearing and how I looked in those clothes that was attracting these guys to me.

Lie #1 You can catch a man by looking sexy and being sexy!  

#Wrong! Put some clothes on!

I never caught a man who was sincerely interested in me based on my sexiness.  I only caught sex thirsty men who saw me as a sex object and would do and say what ever was necessary to get me to take my clothes off.  In my later teen years, I started to hate when I received attention from a man based on my clothes because I knew these guys were not interested in my mind. These guys were just interested in my body.

Looking sexy is how I attracted the guy who I lost my virginity to.  He saw me with my bright yellow shorts and wedge heels  and all he could think about is how good it would be to have sex with a virgin.   Of course I  had no clue about any of this at the time.  I just thought "he is fine and he is interested in me!"  So I became his girlfriend. Big mistake! (This mistake was the catalyst that started the journey a decade of crazy unhealthy relationships!)

So after being in this relationship for a few months, he started telling me he loved me.  Then he would ask me if I loved him.  After being asked several times combined with "french kissing" him all the time, I was convinced that I loved him even though neither one of us know what love really was. So the conversation moved from "I love you" to  if you love me, you will have sex with me.  I was thinking SEX!  I am not trying to do all that, I just wanted to kiss, cuddle and hang out.

The idea of sex seemed like a very scary thing for me and I did not want to do it!  But I stayed in that relationship. I was consistently pressured almost daily to have sex.  Now as I sit back and ask myself, why did I stay in a relationship where I was required or just asked to "prove my love".  Why would I let another person tell me what to do with my body?  Why would I actually give-in and have sex if I really did not want to?   

After the first time I had sex with this guy, I went home, lied down on the couch and I cried for hours.  I could not believe that I just had SEX!  It was painful and it only last for less than two minutes. What a waste of time and my precious virginity gone in a blank of an eye.  

I did not understand the purpose of sex and I had given my body to this guy.  

After I had sex for the first time, I did not have sex again until a couple of years later.  I am not sure what made me have sex then.  At the time, it was the pressure from my friends who constantly would ask me if I was having sex and here again the guy pressing me for sex too. Then I started to think that sex was required to be in a relationship.

Now I can look back and see what happened there.  I did not have my own mind nor the confident in myself to just say NO.  I allowed other people to tell me what to do and I wanted to please others.

Also I was afraid that if I did not have sex with him, he would leave.  Needless to say after I had sex with him, he left anyway.  Immediately after.  The day I had sex with him was the last day we spent together as a "couple"Which leads me to the next lie you should be aware of!

Lie #2 Sex will secure a relationship.  

Man I tell you, this is the biggest lie if one was ever told.  The lie that sex will keep a guy or that you have to have sex to secure a relationship.  Or even the fact that you have to do or be what a guy wants you to be in order to be accepted by him.  LIE!LIE!LIE!  Sex is a BIG DEAL! And if you have sex with someone in order to get something in return even if it is just a relationship or perhaps for financial gain, when it is all over, you will feel empty!  I recently read a book called The Hardest Part of the Wait is the Weight: Don't Settle for Less. Wait for God's Best. by Barbara Dempson and she says when a man has sex with you, he is having sex with your heart and when he pulls out and stop having sex with you, your heart now has a hole in that space where he was once occupying.  Sex will not keep a relationship but out of place, it will keep a hole in your heart.

Lie #3 You can have sex without being emotionally attach to a man.

Many women say they can have sex without being emotionally attached.  That too is a lie! Yes you can have sex with a guy, telling yourself it is just sex and nothing more. That is just a lie you are telling yourself! The more you have sex with a man, the harder it will become for you to believe your own lie and when the relationship ends, you feel empty so you try to find another man to fill that gap in your heart that now needs to be filled.

Lie #4 You are the only one.  

#Believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see!


Me and the hubby on the 4th of July

Another reason, I had sex with that guy was because I thought I was the only one.  He told me that I was the only one, he even gave me the title "girlfriend" and I embraced. It gave me a false sense of security about the relationship and it justified my decision to have sex with him.

Of all the guys that I EVER dated I can only say that I haven't caught two of them cheating on me. One of those guys being my husband (the handsome guy to the left) and the other was my post-college sweetheart.  Although I never caught my college sweetheart cheating on me, I truly believed he did because he did some things when we were dating like being hugged up with a girl in the club and I was there in the club.  I had never seen or heard anything like that in my life! I am pretty confident he went home with her that night but we were not officially a couple so it is not cheating because we had no commitment but I thought his actions were very disrespectful.  Then he had the nerves to come to my house the next morning.  Crazy thing, he was staying at my house for a couple of weeks as a transition spot as he moved from DC to San Diego.  At the end of the day, he blamed it on the alcohol and begged that I let him back into my life and apartment and I did.

Man was I gullible!  I believe he made a "little mistake" and the it would never happen again.  So really I guess it is only fair to say that my husband is the only man who can truly say, that "I am the only one" not just with his words but also and most importantly with his actions.

Lie #5 I need a boyfriend and Lie #6 Being in a relationship with cure loneliness.

Honestly, at 32 years young, I have spent more time in a relationship with someone else then I spent being alone or single.  I liked being in a relationship.  Hold on, that is an understatement, I loved being in a relationship because when I would kiss or cuddle with a guy, I confused all that affectionate and sex with true love and intimacy when it was no more than "fun" for him and a whole lot of sacrificing for me, trying to fill a hole, all the while I was creating a bigger one.

See after receiving my crash course on love, sex and relationships from my first boyfriend, I thought it was okay to have sex with a guy if he was my boyfriend.  I did not understand the deeper connection between a man or a woman outside of being physically attracted to one other and being compatible.  I mean what more was to it? (in my young and immature senseless voice)

See just like me, being in a relationship may help you with the problem of being alone but it does not help cure the problem of loneliness.  You can be in a crowded room not alone but lonely if you haven't taken the time to get to know yourself and understand what is really important to you in terms of your values, believes and standards.  You also have to understand your own fears, flaws and learn how to accept yourself first en-light of your shortcomings.

Lie #7 It's okay to go out with a non-Christian

See one thing that made my husband different from 90% of the guys I ever dated, is that my husband does not live by his own rules nor does he go around doing what ever he feel like doing.  See my husband is a Christian and he actually practices following Christ.  His values and beliefs are based off his upbringing which included him attending Sunday school every week as a child and being raised in a Christian household.  Don't get it twisted, my husband is not "holy than thy" or a saint but he tries to do the right thing and he has ALWAYS respects me and EVERY other woman in his life. If I had understood the importance of aligning myself with someone who was not just compatible to me but who was also compatible or in-line with my core believes around family, finance, sex, communication, and faith, I would have avoided dating a lot of Mr. Wrongs on my journey.

Lie # 8 You have to please a man, to keep a man.

Well hold on.  What does it mean to please a man?  Am I now responsible for his physical and emotional needs?  Who made those rules?  Yes, it must have been "MAN" himself...lol  I used to be SSSSOOO guilty of this. I used to think that I had to say "yes" to what he wanted to secure a relationship.  Over time I started to realized that I was giving him what he wanted so I can get what I wanted.  So we ended up in an unhealthy relationship or should I say an arrangement of the givers game. After nearly 10 years of being an unconscious participant of the givers game, I finally figured things out.  I figured out that the person who gave the least, waited until the right time to give, gave in the right portion and gave only from the heart became the winner.  The participant who give the most and gave it all, end up bankrupt with nothing else to give.

Lie #9 You have to be or become what he wants you to be.

Now this is where you can lose yourself her as I know I definitely did.  I had become so accustomed to trying to fit in around guys, I had to go find myself because I was so out of touch with who I really was.  I am goofy, playful, fun loving, I am a woman who desire a relationship with God and I desired a man with a relationship with God.  For a long time, I had became too busy being sexy and walking on egg shells trying to be so mature and acting like a little woman, I totally forgot who I was.

I actually had to spend time learning how to be me because I had programed myself to hold back so much for so long.  (Now what type of foolishness is that? IDK)

Thankfully I got the newsflash that being playful, fun loving, goofy/silly at times is not being childish; it is simply a way to enjoy life!


(This is me and the hubby having fun and horse playing.  I did not know he was recording either.  I was just leaving in the moment!)

Being mature is learning to be yourself first of all, then learning how to be responsible with your finances and other personal responsibilities.    

The fundamental thing for a healthy relationship is being able to be your authentic self and your partner accepting you just as you are with all your fears, flaws and failures and him CHOOSING to love you anyway.

Lie #10 It is okay to live together before marriage.

Again I have one question, who is coming up with all these lies?  Often the person/people who will benefit from them, men and women living together who aren't married.  I do not care what century we are living in,  I believe the Bible is the infallible, inertia Word of God and it is the TRUTH!

When I attended the Hard Knocks University, I learned the more I line my life up with God's Word, the better off  I am! I learned to stop trying to figure out God because I truly will never understand why things happen the way they do.

God says, my thoughts or not your thoughts, my ways or not your ways.  See we don't understand everything! And most of the things we think we understand is just a vague comprehension of what we think we know.   Living together before marriage just gives a false sense of security of you and that other person and often put you in long-term financial commitment with someone who has no long-term financial commitment to you and it puts you in a situation where you are constantly tempted to sin against God.  In God's Word he tells us to flaw temptation; to run away from it! But you say God told you to leave together before marriage!  Now that's a lie!  God will NEVER lead you to do anything that is not consistent with his Word and his plan and purpose for your life.

Because of all these lies and so many others that are being told about how to have healthy happy love and how to make the right choice in your dating relationship, that is why I am creating the "No More Mr. Wrong: Creating the Joy in a Relationship that Last" Program.  This program will put you in a position to dutch the drama, the lies, Mr. Wrong, your own insecurities and become your authentic self, bold, whole and happy and prepare you to be a happy fulfilled relationship that will lead to a happy marriage.

Love your sister in Christ,

Me (red dress) and a couple of girlfriends on the 4th of July













Jill of Jill and Treal

P.S. Leave a comment and share if you heard any of these lies.  Also share any other comments lies you have heard.

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