Thursday, August 13, 2015

Where Is My Boaz? (Relationship Advice for Women)



Where is my Boaz? Was a question that came up in my mind every now and again when I was single.  I won't lie, at some times that question came up more often than I care to admit.  One thing I started to realize on my singleness journey, was the more time I spent with God and around women who were after the heart of God, the more I operated in God's plan for my life and the less that question came up because in those season I was focus on my (Heavenly) Father's business, my mind and spirit was focus on him.  For me focusing on my Father's business was working with the youth girls through Jacob's Well ministry at my local church.  In these seasons; I wasn’t focus on my own business: wondering when I would get married or wondering when I was buying that house and all the things as women we often hope and dream about.  I focused on filling up my cup with the love of God and then pouring out on other youth and women to be a blessing to them.



I recall a time in 2009 when I wasn't looking for a Boaz but one had found me, so I thought. "An elder in the church" aka older gentlemen who was a member in the church had introduced to a fine hunk of a man.  As usually things started out great! He bought flowers to my job, he took me out to eat and then shortly thereafter the signs of him being crazy and deranged started to appear on every side.  I can recall a time when I was supposed to come over to his house but I got there about 30 minutes late and he went off on me!  I had been out and about all day, my phone battery had died and I could not find my charger so I could not call him. 

I remember being in the car looking frantically for my cell phone charger because I knew he would be upset if I was late and did not call him.  Not only that I had only been to his house once before and I had a hard time finding his house.  After searching my glove compartment with the partial woodgain hanging on the handle, my console, underneath my seats, my pocketbook (aka purse) then finally I looked in my bubblegum pink Jansport book bag and I found it there!  I immediately called him.  Now I was just down the street from his house.  He answered the phone and He just starting yelling and screaming; telling me how disrespect it was for me to be come to his house at this hour.  I was thinking; this hour...  It had to be no later than 8:00PM okay 8:30PM pushing it.  I was afraid for my safety and very soon I realized that visiting him that night wasn’t a good idea. We had a few conversations after that but I knew that the relationship was a wrap I just needed a scapegoat because I had a hard time breaking up with someone....Don't laugh, sad but true.

Despite that fact, at this point in my life, I had built enough confidence in myself to know he wasn't God's best for my life; although he was saved and sanctified; he had issues! Real life issues that were unresolved and he had wombs that needed to be heal.  During my journey of singleness, I got some great relationship advice from the School of Hardknocks University firsthand so I had learned how to recognize CRAZY and DERANGE a mile away.  Unfortunately this guy had been abandoned and rejected as a child and he never healed from these emotional and as a result he wasn't ready to be in a relationship at least not a healthy one.  Needless to say the relationship ended.

In addition to my own lessons learned; I sought after relationship advice from my friends, cousins, in books and in magazines but nothing seem to work.  I must admit, I started to become discouraged about my Boaz coming into my life.  So much so, one day, I decided to call my auntie who had lived her life as a single woman.  I wanted to know exactly when she decided to just live a life as a single woman.  As I started talking to her; she said “Chile it was never something I choose consciously but it more or less just happened that way.  It was just how things ended up for me.” She went on to tell me that despite here singleness; she did not feel that life cheated her any.

One thing I loved about my aunt was, despite a man ,during her journey, she decided she was not going to wait for a man to start living her best life; she decided that she would be the best version of herself during her singleness and if God meant for her to have a man; than so be it but she was okay either way. 

At the time, I had this conversation with my aunt; she was nearly 70 years old. My auntie never got married but she live every day to the fullest. I always wondered if like today; in her time if coaching was as popular or available than as it is today; and she took advantage of it; if her journey of single-hood would have been different.

Later that same year, I moved to a new area and I soon refocused back on my Father's business.  I joined the youth ministry and about a year later I launched the Abstaining 4 Jesus initiative which later became our mission based organization Detour Movement Inc. where we encourage women to recklessly abandon the things of this world meaning not to conform to the patterns of the world but rather to make a decision to be transformed by the renewing of their mind.

Actually when I launched the A4J initiative March 2011, I had already met my Boaz just a few weeks prior but I did not even know it.  See often women go around; saying where is my Boaz?  But she hasn't stepped into her role as Ruth.  You know the role of a confident, God fearing woman who is more concern about pleasing God than pleasing a man.  One thing I know to be true is once I had stepped into my Ruth, attracting my Boaz came natural thing!

See similar to my auntie, I did not wait to start living my best life until I got married.  I went for it in the here and now. 

Is there something that you desire to do but for whatever reason you have not done it?  Is there a ministry, business, book or organization you are suppose to be birthing and/or be a part of to help elevate yourself and other to the next dimension?

See my Boaz and I had started out as friend, I did not know where everything was all going nor did I wonder about it much. See one of the biggest mistake women make in dating is being overly invested in the outcome of the relationship.

As a single woman, I encourage you to just be committed to enjoying the journey (living in the moment and embracing each day God gives you) rather than focusing on the destination (a relationship, marriage or wedding)!  Know that God knows what is best for you and if you tried to figure things out on your own, not only would it not work, it could leave you in a catastrophic or otherwise life-threatening situation which is exactly where you do not want to be.  I know because this was my truth and it is the truth for so many women.

Rather than sitting around being stressed out and depressed about whether or not, he is the one; I dare you to continue to yield to the voice of God.  Just watch and listen to the man in your life and then listen and pray to God.

When you watch, look for signs to see if this man exemplified the character of Christ.  Even though he may say he is saved, even though he attends church; just watch to see if he is not just in church but that the church is in him!   What I mean by that is, make sure he has a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Listen sis, I have been in way too many crazy relationship; where men did not have the relationship/love of JC.  They did not seem to have much love at all but rather a whole lot of hate, anger and bitterness.  There is no replacement or substitute for having the love of Christ.

Yes, I confess on my journey to singleness; I wanted to be married but I was not so desperate that I was willing to give up my safety, sanity nor my salvage for the sake of a relationship!  I had not always been at that point; that is something I learned along my journey and now I share these pearls of wisdom with other Fabulous women in my Steps to the Altar: Attracting Healthy Happy Love that Leads to Marriage Relationship program.

Me and my true Boaz continued to date. I put my standards out there early.  I told him straight-up; that I was not looking for a causal relationship but that I was only interested in a relationship where marriage would be seriously considered.  He respected that, he respected me and he really liked me.  And it wasn’t because of my sexy clothes, my long weave or my cute face; he admired the fact that I actually had standards and substance. He respected the fact that I had the boldness and confidence to share them with him. He respected the fact that I stood for what I believed. 

Just like me; setting and expressing your standards and boundaries will set you apart from the many women who foolishly throw themselves at men all day, every day.  Don't make the mistake of trying to proof to a guy you are the one.  Any man worth having will know what you are doing and it is not attractive.  Actually it is very unattractive. So don’t believe the hype!

Within three months my Boaz was talking engagement and asking me about what type of ring and wedding I wanted.  I answered his questions, then I listened to his words and watched his actions for consistency.  I had an idea of what I wanted my wedding to be like but I had to balance that with reality of the cost, who would ultimately pay for it (him and I) and how that would impact our financial future and other financial decisions like buying a home.

Sis, please don't make the mistake of asking for a fairy tale $25,000 wedding even if you and him have the money or can get the money to do it.  Spend more time focusing on planning your marriage then planning your wedding!  I have seen the couples spent $25,000 up to $50,000 for a wedding and unfortunately a year or two later some of these couples are contemplating divorce.  Establish a realistic budget for your wedding and stick to it!  My Boaz and I, now of course my husband, initially set a budget of $15K but soon I realized I was not willing to split that tab.  So we decided to reduce it to $5K and put the additional money into a joint account when we got married.  Now we have been married going on three years and November and I can truly say; he is my Boaz and we have a healthy happy marriage!

I don't take any of this for grant it.  I thank God each day for entrusting me with my man of God and for keeping us showing loving one another unconditionally.

You may still be asking, well Jill you have your Boaz, where is my Boaz?  I will tell you he is waiting for you to show up as Ruth.  Ruth was one of the many woman of the Bible who's characteristics you should strive to take on each day.  Like Ruth strive to be loyal to your friends and family, to be a woman of faith and confidence not in yourself but in a God who know it all and had it all. 

Lastly if you are in a season where you are frustrated about men and dating; tired of making poor choices with your relationships; want to avoid the biggest mistakes women make in dating; they I invite you to invest in yourself and get a copy of my new book; How Become the Best Version of Yourself During Your Singleness: Dispelling the Lies and Uncovering the Truth of a FABULOUS You!  Also sign-up for my free CD, Making the Right Choice where I outline the 10 most critical standards every Christian Woman must have during courtship.

Oh year, I almost forgot; if you are in or around the DMV (DC, Maryland and Virginia) area I invite you to join us for the Single, Saved and Dating in the City on 29th August 2015.  If you are not in the DMV area; join us for a full-two day Single Retreat in Myrtle Beach, SC on October 10-11, 2015.  Installment payments available inbox me at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com

Sis I love you so much, God loves you Best! 

Be Blessed!

Jill







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