Tuesday, September 24, 2013

~Fear-less~ "Starve your fears and Feed your Faith"

There are many things in life that causes us to experience or feel some type of fear.  We fear our past, our future, our relationships, starting our own business, welcoming new opportunities and other challenges in life.  When things go wrong instead of right; we fear.  When unexpected things occur in our life; we fear not being able to move past it.  When we are asked to do something outside of our comfort zone; we fear doing so. Why is it that we become so afraid when most of the time; the thing we are afraid of or am fearful of is something we can possibly benefit from?   

Oftentimes that thing is the very thing that we need to excel in our family; on our job; in our businesses; in our communities or in our church. Is it because we are used to the norm; being comfortable or complacent with our life and anything outside of that causes us to experience emotions and feelings that we cannot  articulate? 

Do we fear that we are inadequate of carrying out the thing that we were tasked with or that dream/desire that is burning inside of us is too much for us to handle? 

Newsflash:  Fear is defined as “False Evidence Appearing Real.”  It is a feeling or emotion that is used as a tactic to prevent us from welcoming a new challenge, conquering an obstacle or facing adversity head on.  It is the thing that paralyzes us from saying Yes to our dreams, Yes to our desires or even our goals.  It is the thing that oftentime keeps us in bondage from reaching our destiny if we allow it to do so

I remember a time when I struggled with fear and even now at times; fear tries to overcome my thoughts.  I feared that I was not adequate enough; smart enough or equipped enough to do what God had placed in my heart and spirit to do.  I looked at others who were in similar capacities and felt surely; I was not qualified to minister; to speak to hundreds or even thousands of people about my life let alone their life.  I feared that there was always someone that could do it better than me and I would only be viewed as second best or not viewed at all.  I didn’t understand and even grasp the fact that God had called me to do certain things; NOT people.

I didn’t know at the time that regardless of what education I had or didn’t have; experience I didn’t have or any other credentials or skills others possessed; it had nothing to do with what God called me to do I didn’t know at the time that because God called me; He would equip me and that He would give me the platform to do what He called me to do.

I looked all around me and noticed that people that were less educated, less skilled, less experience were superseding me in certain areas.  I soon came up with the conclusion that if someone is doing it or have done it; then certainly it is doable. 

I realized that I was just as qualified; just as smart and just as experienced as anyone else if not more and that my biggest hindrance was the fear that I allowed to block my flow (my life, my hopes, my dreams). 
So with that being said; I made a conscious decision to Starve my Fear and Feed my Faith by using the Word of God.  I was no longer going to allow fear to control me or cause me to worry – it was no longer going to hold me captive or in bondage.  I chose Faith!!!

Regardless of how fearful I felt; I would say “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13”.  I choose to believe that because He strengthens me, He equips me and as long as I stay in His will and trust Him with all of my heart; He will lead and guide me.  I used the word of God as my tool to overcome fearI would encourage myself when I felt feelings of inadequacies, doubt or unbelief .

I refused to continue going through the woulda, shoulda, coulda periods in life.  I didn’t want to have feelings of regret later on because I feared the unknown.  I choose to face challenges head on and stopped running from my Greatness and embraced who I was and who I was not.  I accepted the fact that I wasn’t perfect but that I was constantly improving. 

I accepted the fact that I didn’t have it all together but neither was everything falling apart.  God called each and every one of us to be Great, Bold, Radical & Phenomenal women in all areas of our life. I challenge you today to Starve everyone of your Fears; and Feed your Faith through the Word of God.

·         Do NOT fear anything -  (Psalm 23:4)
·         God will help you through your fears - (Isaiah 41:13)
·         Be Strong and Courageous – (Deut 31:6)
·         God has NOT given you the spirit of fear - (2 Tim1:7)
·         Do NOT be afraid of anything - (Psalm 27:1)
·         God says he will give you peace - (John 14:27)


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Sunday, September 8, 2013

Relationship Drama: How to Resolve Relationship Conflict?

In the beginning he let it be known, that he had not been in a relationship for several years; however, I did not realize it would cause so many problems! Two weeks later he introduced me to his uncle as his girlfriend (GF) and things were ok…

[Then] “the other night my sister and I went with him to support him at his pool tournament. My sister wasn't feeling so well so he offered to drive us home... He told the bar owner he'd be right back after he dropped us off- the bar owner told him to tell us to walk!!!... He didn't even catch offense to it or defend me as his GF in anyway…

And of course once again I let him know how I felt about it. I do tend to get very upset because some things should be common sense relationship wise”… 

I never even felt like his girlfriend… He didn't ask me anything about myself and rarely did we have conversations (he says it's because he's shy) Is it just that he lacks relationship skills? If so, I don't know what to do about that... And I don't know if I should try to start over... 

He says his feelings haven't changed and he's not saying he doesn't wanna be with me… He just doesn't wanna rush. Any advice? 

This is an edited excerpt from one of our followers asking about how to resolve a relationship conflict or otherwise how to proceed in an unfulfilling relationship.

So when was the last time you had a conflict in your relationship? During that conflict or any other conflict, did you allow your emotions to get the best of you, resulting in you responding negatively, loud and/or boisterously? 

Well, I know I have. And it is all because I allowed myself to become emotional hijacked aka emotions out of control, where doing the irrational, seems very rational in that moment (Daniel Goleman). Funny thing the end result never served me nor the relationship any good. Actually I got dump a couple of times as it result of it… 

Do you or your partner lack relationship skills, meaning not knowing how to communicate, knowing how to control your emotions, knowing when to confront a situation or when to let it go. We have to pick our battles.  

Every issue, gestures or the lack thereof is not always worth fighting over. Find out your core (most important) values in a relationship and identify the things that are less important. This will help you know whether it is worth even mentioning. 

Do not get me wrong I am NOT discouraging conflict because conflict is NECESSARY! 

Don’t believe me? Read our blogs, R.E.S.P.E.C.T  <http://detourmovement.blogspot.com/2012/07/healthy-conflict.html> or our blog on and Healthy Conflict. <http://detourmovement.blogspot.com/2011/10/r.html> Conflict is not the problem, it is how we handle the conflict, what we say and more importantly how we say. 

Here is our advice aka Wisdom Tips on how to resolve this relationship conflict (can be applied to similar scenarios):  

Wisdom Tip #1...Men do not like drama. If we lose our cool, express anger or bitterness, men natural response is to create space (distance themselves or break-off the relationship) so they can regroup and determine if you both are truly a good fit. I under your frustration with him not taking a stand for you. And you did the right thing by confronting him about the situation (expressing your expectations),

However, your approach must have been off putting to him which resulted in him pulling away from the relationship. Proverbs 21:9 “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Meaning a bitter, anger woman, nagging woman.  

Wisdom Tip #2 A woman's greatest need is security, meaning as women we have to feel protected, guarded or safe, physically and financially. When you were out with your ex-bf and he did not take a stand for you, you felt like you could not trust him to protect you which caused you to feel frustrated and lack of trust for him.  

Wisdom Tip #3 When you confront someone about something you don't like, make sure you do not blame him/her or accuse him/her of not "doing their job". Simply express how you felt and what they did or did not do, resulted in you feeling a certain kind of way. For example you could have said, "Shawn, when we were at the bar and the bartender suggested you let me and my sister walk home, I felt that the bartender was indirectly trying to attack me or suggesting I was not a woman worthy of a ride home and when you did not say anything about it, it made ME feel like you might feel the same way."

"Shawn if this ever happens again could you step in and speak up to let that person know they are disrespecting me and our relationship? I hate having those negative feelings and I know you really care about me but if you say something, I think it would help me not feel unworthy and remind me how much I really mean to you."  

Wisdom Tip #4 Before getting back into that relationship or any other relationship, learn to bring your emotional under God’s control. You will never have a healthy relationship unless you learn how to control your feelings and emotions.  


Start exemplifying the characteristics of how you want your man to be in your own life first. And I can only share this with you because I’ve experienced this myself. I am going to give you the formula to overcome your emotions out of control syndrome.  

Me telling you this and you listening is worth a few bucks, you implementing these teaching in your life are priceless.  

Wisdom Tip #5 Pray daily and ask God to help you be spiritually lead and not emotionally driven. Ask God to give you peace and joy in your heart. Ask God to teach you how to communicate with a loving heart.  Pray for the Fruit of the spirit to be evident in your life (love joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.)

Wisdom Tip #6 Fast (abstain from food) at least a half a day every week. Why? This helps you to learn self-control. The best way to control your emotions, is to control them! ;-) (Join Treal on her upcoming day Cleansing starting September 15th, email us abstaining4jesus@gmail.com to learn more.)  

Wisdom Tip #8 Read Are you Spirit Led or Emotionally Driven by Maureen Anderson and Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (note the latter is not an easy read, lots of medical talk at the beginning). Or you can check-out the reader’s digest of relationship management with our Six Part Tele-seminar at <http://detourmovement.blogspot.com/p/love-like-crazy-six-part-series.html>

Wisdom Tip #9 Write down ten things you want in a man and then right down how you can exemplify these characteristics in your life. Read these confessions every day for at least the next 90 days and start implementing these things in your life. If you need help coming up with ten characteristics of a good man, email us and I will send you the MP3 link with some juicy tips!  

Wisdom Tip #10 If a guy is lacking relationships skills, it is not a whole lot you can do about it beside help him identify a male mentor to help him in that department. Too often as women, we take on a man, like we took on projects in our 8th grade home-economics class. This is not 8th grade and he is no project! Let a man teach a man, how to be a man. Not your job!  

Wisdom Tip #11 Resolving the conflict does not always mean rekindling the relationship or staying together. Sometime taking a break AKA ending the relationship, temporarily or forever is in the best interest of the both of you. Learn more about taking a break by checking out our YouTube video "What Does Taking a Break Really Means? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRl9ujQrieQ

Finally Wisdom Tip #12, Don’t pour the wine before it is time. Okay, you are asking what does that mean? That means don’t rush things. Don’t rush getting out of school, pursuing another degree, jumping into a relationship, rushing to get married, rushing to have children, rushing to buy a house with a white picket fence, a car, to get pregnant, to have a new baby and so on. We spend more time rushing into the next step, phase in our life that oftentimes we forget and miss out on the present time, the precious moments that are right before us. 

Embrace the place where you are! Think about your about your purpose in life. What are you passionate about? Go to work on building your foundation, your relationship with God, then yourself and then others. Love you sis! ~Jill  

Would you like to take a comprehensive inventory of your emotions, feelings and spiritual blueprint to give you an understanding of where you are, in order to bridge the gap to move you to where you want to be? 

Join our community and sign-up for our free gift, MP3 Download, Making the Right Choice. Everything we do revolve around relationships! The quality of your relationships will make or break your day, your week, your year or your life! 

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