I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!
Recently,
I received a message on social media from someone requesting
relationship advice - a gentleman. He indicated that he had read several
of my postings regarding relationships and thought that they were
insightful so he decided to write to me for advice. His message was
exhaustive so I will give you the condensed version.
He
was dating a woman that he grossly admired. The relationship seemed to
be going very well until she shared some shocking news with him. The
woman shared that she had contracted the herpes virus from her former
partner. He, upon learning such news, decided it was best to end the
relationship, immediately. He indicated that he had shared this
information with a few of his close friends. His friends warned him not
to sleep with her and advised him not to continue the relationship with
her. After laying it all out, he just
wanted to know if he was wrong or selfish for wanting to put the brakes
on the relationship; to slow things down so he could have a chance to
inhale what she had shared with him. He decided to write to me and ask
for my help because he wanted to understand his actions and he also
wanted to be fair to her.
I
thought... Wow! This is heavy! This was a very sensitive matter; one
that needed to be handled delicately. I decided to meditate on the
matter for a few days before responding to his message because I wanted
to be sure that I was giving him a "Godly response", not a "Barbara answer". I wanted to be fair and give thought to both parties not just him.
Concerning him:
I did not find his actions to be wrong or selfish. I did however sense
that he was afraid and rightfully so as he was entering uncharted
territory - a place unknown to him. It was obvious that he cared about
her feelings as it relates to his actions hence the reason for writing
me. Consequently, his immediate response to end the relationship
was not surprising, because, oftentimes, the "shock of revelation" is
much greater than the revelation itself. When a man encounters a woman,
especially a woman that he feels a connection with, his mind
automatically drifts to a place that is far beyond the moment. There is a
movie playing inside his head with her as the leading lady. He sees the
woman on his arm. He sees himself engaging in activities with the
woman. He sees himself having intimate relations with the woman. So,
now, upon learning such information, he is in a state of shock because
he has to re-pattern his thoughts when all he wanted to do was play out
the scenes inside his head. He looks down at his ticket stub and
exclaims, "I didn't ask for this!" He figured he must be watching the
wrong movie because this is clearly not the movie that he paid to see.
It isn't until the shock wears off and he has had a chance to digest
what she has shared that he begins to have second thoughts.
Concerning her:
I commend her for her transparency and her bravery because she could
have chosen to be dishonest with him. I, however, cannot imagine the
hurt, humiliation and horror of sharing something so personal only to
have the person with whom you have shared toss you aside like day old
bread. She shared because, apparently, he had proven himself
trustworthy. And, because, he showed her that he cared for her his
response was not what she expected. When we share our private moments we
must err on the side of caution because there is a thin line between
being transparent with someone that we may have feelings for and someone
that God has given us the discernment to know that this is the person
that He has chosen for us. We can make the mistake of sharing with the
wrong person and our private affliction becomes our public nightmare.
As I realize that this is a delicate matter some might say that the best
advice would be to tell him to "Run, Forrest! Run!" But, this would
mean standing in judgment of her. She didn't ask for this! She didn't
choose this virus. This virus chose her. I'm sure if she could, she
would ask for a do-over. Unfortunately, life doesn't afford us do-overs,
but God offers us "do-betters" - the chance to make better choices and the opportunity to do better by someone then what was previously done to us. I
believe her being open and honest with him was her do-better. She laid
her cards out. She was honest - a privilege that was not afforded
her by her former partner, and, as a result, she became infected with
the virus. Her integrity, care and compassion for this gentleman should
be applauded.
Neither party asked for what they received. He met someone that he had a strong connection with only to be paralyzed by her revelation. She on the other hand felt that she was doing the right thing, the honorable thing, only to be hurt by his reaction.
She's forced to live with the shame and guilt of having to disclose her
condition to every potential partner. When in fact the only thing she
is guilty of is having unprotected sex; a practice many of us are guilty
of!
As
I crafted my response, it was important for me NOT to give him the same
advice that his friends had given him because I believe their advice
was based on what they would do or how they would
handle the situation, but one usually cannot predict how they will
handle a situation once the heart becomes involved. Further, in my
opinion, his friends' advice was reactionary and not based on medical
facts or statistical data. Had they done their research they would be
surprised to learn how common genital herpes is.
One in five people are carriers of the herpes virus. Additionally, 85%
of people with genital herpes don't know they have it. That's nearly 50
million Americans who are unaware that they have genital herpes.
Fortunately, for those infected with the virus, it is highly manageable
and people who get it can still have healthy sex lives with some never
transmitting the virus to their uninfected partners IF
they take precaution to avoid having sex during and around the time of
an outbreak, use condoms, and take antiviral medication which helps to
drastically reduce the likelihood of transmission.
In
my response to his gentleman, I highlighted a few critical points as it
relates to his situation and dating in general. First, if learning
about a person's past changes the way you feel about them then he or she
is not the person for you. We cannot change someone's past and neither
can they change our past. We have to decide if a person's past mistakes
are going to change us or change our feelings toward them, because,
quite frankly, people are flawed. We all are. It just so happens that
herpes is her flaw. What does this have to do with the content of her
character or the faithfulness of her heart? Many good people have made
poor choices and horrible mistakes albeit still deserving of God's best.
Second, if you are a person in your 30s, 40s or older and dating or in a
relationship with someone in the same age range changes are whomever
you are dating or in a relationship with will have some baggage or
residue from their past relationships. It is unavoidable; because, the
longer we live, the more living we are going to do. To be alive is a
blessing, but with it comes ups and downs, failures and successes,
heartaches and heartbreaks, actions and consequences, and choices and
challenges. Third, relationships are not perfect, because people are
imperfect. But, two imperfect people who are perfect for one another
create the PERFECT balance of love, harmony and strength.
Last Word
There is power in truth. If a person cannot accept your truth then that person cannot accept you.
Message "I Didn't Ask For This" written by Barbara M. Dempson, Founder, She-Attitudes LLC. This post is republished with the permission from the author.
