Sunday, June 4, 2017

Not Out but Through "Eradicating the "D" word from your Marriage

I know the challenges that couples are faced with especially in the beginning stages of marriage. In fact, the first 3 - 5 years  can be the hardest in marriage why, because you're trying to bring two different lives together and make it one. Let's not even include if you have children or a blended family, it is even more difficult.  That in itself is a hard pill to swallow. So just imagine if these two individuals are not whole, dealing with past issues, hurt, pain, insecurities or anything that will prohibit them from being whole within themselves and enter into marriage in that state. I know for me and my husband the first couple years was challenging for us and we had a hard time just simply getting along if I can be brutally honest with you. He had his ways and I had my ways and we both were very stubborn people. We both wanted our way and many times acted out of pure selfishness in order to get it.

There were times we were distant with one another and there were times where we blamed one another for various things in our marriage. We were on two separate teams. Yeah.... two separate wavelengths and we were foolish enough to think that our marriage would still be blessed. 

There were times where I wanted to walk away and yes I used the D-word (Divorce) on more than one occasion. I threatened to leave, threatened separation and threatened that I would be better off with someone else. But what I can tell you is that anytime you're using words to tear others down vice build them up and especially in your marriage, then you are headed for a road of disaster. 

See for me because I was in a very abusive relationship in the past, my tongue was a serious fighting machine. I wasn't able or strong enough to fight back physically, so I did so with my mouth. I would say words to tear you down and think nothing of it.

I have a gift. God gave me this voice, he gave me the ability to be able to speak to others and in my speaking and writing lives transform and it is only through his grace and mercy and him working in and through me.

There was a point where I used my gifts and my strengths for the wrong reasons and wrong motives even in my marriage. I failed to see the whole picture at times because I wanted to paint my own canvas the way I wanted it and I didn't want to take in consideration of including my husband. I did not want to have to deal with his past, his hurts, his pain, his insecurities, his discomfort. 

Can I tell you something? Regardless of how much you feel that you have arrived, we all have insecurities. We all come to the marriage with a bag. Now how full that bag still may be is up to you and the work that you've done beforehand but we all come with a bag

There was a turning point in our marriage and my husband and I had to come to grips that we were too selfish people and in order for our marriage to be healthy, happy and to last for a lifetime as God intended, there were some things that we had to do.

Now before my husband realized it, I realized, so I was the initiator. To all the wives who feel that your husband isn't onboard and you are in this thing alone, just know that your consistency and you going deeper in God is going to make all the difference. 

I want to share with you 5 things really quickly as to why Eradicating the D word from your marriage is so vitally important. 

There's a chapter in my most recent book where I talked about healthy conflict and a part of that is creating boundaries in your marriage and establishing below the belt rules. 

Eradicating the D word should be one of those boundaries in your marriage and I want to share with you 5 reasons why.  

1. You give the enemy ammunition to use against your marriage! Yeah that's right, every time you're speaking negatively into your marriage and you are using words that are contrary to the word of God then you are giving the enemy a foothold to come in swinging. It is the small foxes that destroy the vine and he will use every little small thing, inchworm issue and problem and your words to destroy your marriage.

2. You will see what you have been seeding! Are you noticing that even now in your marriage you're seeing certain things come to pass because you have spoken them? That works for both good and evil.  You have to be very mindful of what words you allow to speak out of your mouth regarding your husband and your marriage. I can assure you that what you say is what you will see and what you see is what you said.

3. Words do hurt and in fact they can and will kill! Proverbs 18:20-21 says "A man's belly shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; with the increase of his lips shall he be satisfied. Vs. 21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." At no time should you use your words to tear others down and then think by simply apologizing that things are going to be better. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite is true and is going to take some time for you not only to get over those words that have been spoken over your life but to be able to rebuild and restore what someone else has torn down which by the way you probably worked tirelessly to build up from a previous incident.  You don't want that to set that tone in your marriage. If these are things that you have been doing prior to now, make a commitment that after today you will no longer do them.

4. Marriage is a lifetime agreement so get over it! Listen, it takes a lifetime for marriage to get just right so regardless if you been married for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years or one month, you have a lifetime to get it right however, there are intentional steps and things that you have to do in order to contribute to the health and wealth of your marriage. Part of that is praying, part of that is investing, part of that is being on one accord but in all things you have to make sure that you are taking the necessary steps at the right time.

5. You neglect its original intent! So when you're using the D word and threatening to leave the marriage covenant because you're hurt, your emotions are all over the place, you don't like the situation anymore or for whatever reason outside of adultery, desertion or if you are in the life threatening situation then you're going against the order of God. God never intended divorce and in fact he hates divorce. So think twice about using those words and think twice about what God intended for your marriage to be and do here on the Earth.

In order for any of this to be possible, you are going to have to go Deeper!  know I know you may be over it, you maybe tired of being the initiator, you may be tired of doing all the work, you may feel like you're in it by yourself or you just maybe feeling. What I can tell you is this, obedience reap rewards and it will be because of your obedience to God first then to your husband, you will see the rewards.

So can I count on you to take 6 Action Steps to going Deeper in your marriage starting today?


1. What can you do starting today individually or as a couple to reposition yourselves in your marriage? What tools and resources do you need and what are you willing to do to go about obtaining them?

2. What would you do differently starting today to be at a different place in your marriage? Are you committed to doing those things? What is your plan and strategy?

3. What does working at your marriage mean to you? The common phrase is "marriage is work",  but I challenge you to rethink this and think of your marriage as a lifetime investment so with that being said what is the return that you would like to see on your investment? What are you willing to do starting today to ensure you see that return?

4. In your marriage what is considered a good day vs a bad day? When you guys experience these things how do you manage it? Do you reward one another for the good days? Do you extend grace and forgiveness when days are not so good? How are you currently handling this?

5. Is the D word still present in your marriage? If so, are you committed today to removing it once and for all come hell or high water? Remember, the enemy is using this to his advantage, let's not give him the victory. 

6. Are you willing to recommit to your marriage starting today? I know before reading this, you may not have had high hopes or you were discouraged or unsure, but I'm asking you as of today and after reading this blog are you willing to recommit to your marriage? 

For many of you this blog blessed you tremendously. You know exactly what you need to do and how to do it so that you can stop seeking a way out but learning to start working through things together with your husband. 

For many others, this was just the tip of the iceberg for you and you desperately need more. You need some proven steps and strategies that are going to help you not want to give up but want to get up and be able to do what's necessary to save or strengthen your marriage.  

For those of you that are in that space, I would like to personally invite you to join me on Saturday June 24th at SHE'S F.I.R.E 2K17 Conference in Beltsville, MD. At this conference, I will be sharing with you how to re-ignite or initiate the F.I.R.E. in your marriage so that you and your husband can have the life that you love starting right now. Don't think for a minute that there has to be all these issues and problems going on in your marriage for you to attend this conference because what I do know is that constant improvement in you is constant improvement in your marriage. 

Even if you are at a place of good, I am going to show you how to get to a place of great  and to excel from that place.

Click HERE to check out the details and to register. Right now we have a two pay option available so you can secure your ticket for as low as $48 today and have the balance paid by the 16th of June.

I hope to see you there but most of all I want to see your marriage transformed!

This is your girl Treal Ravenel aka the Wife Coach.. allow God to arise in your marriage and every enemy be scattered!

Click HERE to register for SHE'S F.I.R.E 2K17!

Treal Ravenel the Wife Coach

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